Perfectionism x Personal Growth

I’ve had to remind myself lately that it’s okay to ‘check out’ sometimes.

When I first started addressing my trauma, I realized that I dissociate A LOT — it’s one of my go-to coping mechanisms. So I crowned myself the kween of embodiment & self-healing and made dissociation my new enemy.

I didn’t think of it that way at the time... but sometimes a good idea takes a bad turn, ya know? In trying to help myself, I created a new ‘should’ — another rule about what’s [un]acceptable. And dissociating (which I do all the time) was now officially not-okay ❌

So when I get stressed and start to disengage, this little voice of self-judgement chimes in, saying “Don’t do that! Bad!” Which adds to my stress, which makes the urge to dissociate even stronger, which fuels my self-judgement...

I’m just gonna ruin the surprise and let you know, it’s not a very effective strategy. So now, when I hear the judgmental voice chiming in, I come through with the self-acceptance.

I let myself smoke weed & watch Netflix & feel like doodoo, until I’m fckn over it and ready to face my feelings & take care of myself. And when that time comes, I don’t think about how ‘bad’ I’ve been — I just do what my body is calling me to do, and then move on to the next thing.

Letting my intuition guide my progress, rather than trying to ‘discipline’ myself into being perfect, feels like a radical act of trust and self-love, and it’s really difficult sometimes. But we don’t grow by being perfect, we grow by making a mess & learning from it!